Winged Buffalo God Descends upon T.G.I. Friday's

by Q. William Bacon


NATICK, Massachusetts - As was prophesied in the Ago Times, the great winged buffalo god, Catoplebas, was awakened from a thousand-year slumber by the myriad wailing of small buffalo who had been de-winged.

On the eleventh hour of the tenth day of the twelfth month, the god did enter a T.G.I. Friday's. He was seven Egyptian cubits tall, his breath was of flame, and his wings emitted so many a scoville of spiciness that the eyes and noses of the humans did run. Upon seeing plates of small buffalo wings, the god did bellow, "Who dares mutilate my children of the seventh generation of the seventh generation and dares feast upon their flesh?"

Erskin, the manager, who was not wise, said, "If you're not a seeing-eye dog then you have to leave." The great god Catoplebas did then rip the arms off of Erskin, and he did barbecue them with breath of fire, and he did devour the flesh, spitting smoldering bones to clatter upon the tile. Among the humans there was great crying and gnashing of teeth.

Somebody managed to get the CEO on speakerphone. The CEO was wise and said, "Please stop rending our limbs and we will discuss an arrangement that will appease you."

The buffalo god said, "Although you are but a small black box, your words are wise, and the humans listen to you. I demand that you no longer pursue the flesh of the wings of my buffalos. Also, that the humans will ever remember this Friday, I demand that you change the name of all your houses of cooking to Thank Catoplebas It's Friday's, or simply T.C.I. Friday's."

Without awaiting a reply, the great god did take to the sky with a thunderous beating of wings.

A spokesman for the restaurant chain said that the demanded changes could be made without affecting quarterly results, but warned that these statements were forward-looking and did not rule out the influences of other gods.